Cigarette smoke

Inspired by Asano Inio’s Solanin 

The cigarettes you love 

The cigarettes you love more than me

It stained – Chatmonchy

.

.

He was smiling

When he died

They said

He was smiling like a

Fool

Looking for some inexistent star

The wind and the asphalt

Crushing against

his face

The moment when he knew

The end of the metaphorical

(And very real now)

Road

Would come to an end

He saw the bright sky just colliding

With the part of

His heart

That he never thought

he had

And he felt pure

He felt all the weight of all those

Wasted years

Was vanishing

“What the hell I’ve been doing

All this time?”

He thought

A little sad

A little lost

(Are you there?)

He thought about her

and his cigarettes

“What a shame, what a shame”

He mumbled

But wasn’t sure of which one

While all the sick people

Were running and crying

For

Help

Something warm and

Small

Such a little

thing

Touched his cheek and maybe

Just maybe

That was when

They said

He was smiling

Like a fool looking for some

Inexistent star

I thought

Since when were you looking

For such a thing?

Did I miss something?

Didn’t I

Even once

See through your blurry

Eyes?

When she saw his broken face

She thought

“I must be dreaming,

I must be facing another

Fool man’s face”

Then she cried

Like the

Fool woman

She was.

She didn’t understand.

She couldn’t understand

How

He could have done such an awful

Thing

To her

Just

Disappearing in front of so many people

A lot of people

A lot of sick people

So many of them

But her?

(Like your cigarette’s smoke)

“You’re unfair”

She cried inside

A little dead

(inside)

But she was so alive that it hurt

(“You don’t know how much it hurts

You damn dead son of a bitch”)

Then why?

She wondered

They kept saying

He was smiling

When he

I’m here, you know

I bet you think that I’m

Not

 That I’m

Leaving you

But I

(I’m becoming something smaller and smaller, like an ant, like an atom, I’m going to collapse and then)

Sorry,

You’re always right

I am leaving right

Right now

But you don’t know how much

How much I really really

Really

She actually never knew anything at all.

“So, all our life, was it… what for?”

She wondered while looking at his

Undeniable dead and happy face

You know

Right now

I’ve found it

You don’t know

How good

How perfect

This feels

(my dear)

And he smiled

And he smiled like

Like a fool looking for

Some inexistent star

“I hate stars”

She always had said.

“And starts too”

He always had replied.

And now

I’m all alone

(you dumbass)

If I never could see through

Your blurry eyes, then

What was I

Watching

(the whole time)?

I

Wonder if those

Little moments were

Real or some pretty vivid illusion

(How gross)

As I think about you

I’m becoming less and less me

(you’re unfair)

(leaving me here, all by myself)

What the hell I’m supposed to…?

He was smiling

When he died

They said

He was smiling like a

Fool

Looking for some inexistent star

Sometimes I think,

What would you have done if it was

me

Instead

you…

And I know you’d probably say something

Between these lines:

“Where are my cigarettes?”

Because, I think

You always knew

That

(your)

Life

wasn’t never

even

for a

second

Here

(where all of us -me- are)

Because

You probably thought

That

Life

Was something like

The cigarette smoke

Always getting up

Above

Higher

Higher

Above

All of us

(and me)

As if it was the natural order

(for something)

To follow

But

You always

Omitted

That

Little detail

Didn’t you?

(That I’m so down here,

Looking at the sky

Like another fool’s woman

Stepping this Earth)

I’ve never liked smoking.

.

.

(But now, if you could see me, if you only could see how beautiful the city is, my dear, from here, you’d know, ah, there you have, life is this, life was exactly, perfectly

This).

.

.


The cigarettes you love
The cigarettes you love more than me

It Stained – Chatmonchy

 By Crita.