Be there


“We were here.”
Your shadow that begins to vanish and my shadow that chases after yours
Are like ducks,
Just like ducks.

Swan – Galileo Galilei

“Breast cancer.”

“Breast cancer”  she repeated and nodded to someone that wasn’t there.

“You’re screwed.”

“Probably.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I’m not, to be honest.”

The man sighed, maybe watching the ground as an endless queue of ants were crossing the pavement. “What a waste” he thought not really sure about what he was referring to.

“Are you going to die?” he asked.

“Don’t know.” The woman lifted a corner of her mouth, trying to smile but failing. Miserably.

“Don’t die” he said then.

This time was the woman who sighed.

“I don’t wan to” she responded as the sun was slowly hiding behind treetops in front of them.

They remained in silence, both asking questions that they didn’t know the answers, and probably never will.

Time is a limited concept, he thought, barely seeing the ants.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die, she thought watching at… nothing. Because how she was supposed to see something that wasn’t there?

The sun set. Some ducks flew. And it was dark and cold and she wanted to cry.

“Hey” she said, with her soft and trembled voice. “Will you take my hand when I die. It’s like a last will, I guess.”

He stopped watching the ground and at the invisible ants, rose his head to look at her face, covered by haze and some kind of dense darkness.

“Of course I will” he claimed, too sure about everything.

He took her hand (she was cold) and squeezed it; he took a long breath and blew out all the haze and darkess on her face. They started to dissapear. And meawhile he was waiting to see her face with clarity, the sun rose again.

Ducks crossed the sky.

Ants made a long queue again.

And he saw her face. Finally.

No, that didn’t happen.

“It’s all not true” he said a little dissapointed. “There’s nothing there, isn’t it?” he asked to the air between he and his empty hand.

He winked, repeteadly. Kind of waiting  for something to appear, but it (whatever he could have been waiting) didn’t come. He grasped his hand.

“What a waste” he said and closed his eyes.

(The World keeps spinning).

.

.

Crita

Casual no-meetings

Since a long time ago I’ve become ridiculosly aware about casual meetings (overall: meeting with random half-known people by chance on the street, into the bus, or wherever the place you never thought you’d meet someone).

And through the past 5-6? years I think I’ve experienced a good and memorable casual meetings or not really meetings. Whatever.

One was last year. On april? I think. For some reason I had to go to a nearby city (really near, 20-30 minutes by bus) and I was late. However, as late as I’m, I never get out from house without brushing my teeth. That’s why I went to the bathroom, and quickly, brushed the teeth in matter, and got out as fast as I could. I run, to be precise. And just when I came at the corner of the bus-stop, the needed bus appeared and, of course stopped. It stopped. I got in, paid my ticket and inmediately noticed it was unexpected full excepted for one empty seat. Almost at the same time I noticed it, I realized that on the next seat was a random guy. Okey, not really random. That was the blue-van guy. I sat down thinking about him and causalities.

Maybe I should talk about how the year before that, I met him in a serie of events. It’s not that I had talked with him before. Actually, never. But those sort of meetings were the kind of cute ones. When you stupidly seek for the other’s eyes; a silly smile. Etc. Naive things. And he drove a blue-van that I saw multiple times, including in front of my house. That’s why the blue-van guy thing.

Anyway, the fact was that among all the buses I could have taken that day, and among all those non/empty seats, I met him and I sat down next to him. I remember I noticed how tall he was and how thin too. Kinda made me feel  fat (IAMOVERREACTING haha). Also, through a mirror on the top of the bus we saw each other. It was kind of stuuupid. Really. No actually looking at eachother’s being side by side but looking us through the mirror… isn’t it a figurative way to say something that you’re actually not saying? We got off at the same place, but didn’t take the same ways. Casuality doesn’t work always the way you want. Eh, that’s why it’s casuality, I suppose.

After that I remember had met him a couple of times, one when I was traveling from my natal city, took a look through my window and pah! he and his blue-van beside my bus. He didn’t see me, though. Felt sad for some stupid reason. And last time I saw him was like two months ago, when I was coming from the gym (haha). We crossed the same street from opposite sides. Of course our gazes met. I thought I should say hello once and for all, but didn’t do a thing, as expected. And kinda regret it. A lot. My problem with this kind of casual meetings is that they turn me incredibly (and stupidly) shy, as it was such a big deal, when it isn’t, probably.

However, the point of telling the main? story was: I don’t really get it. At that time (the first bus time) I thought that nothing can happen just by chance. There has to be a reason for something; a reason that determines why I took that bus; why I wasn’t 10 seconds late and why he was in that bus and in that sit. But maybe… there’s nothing more that casuality. We actually meet a lot of random people on the street. Is there a reason behind that? The most of the time we don’t even remember faces. We just walk and walk and nothing actually happens.  I mean, you could have been any other person, at the same time, at the same place, with the same random people, and the history wouldn’t have changed. At all.

But my casual no-meeting, the fact that it was actually me, and the meaning couldn’t have been the same for another person… Well, think it is something I can tell someone and one day…

Maybe now it hasn’t an important meaning, and maybe it will never have one. But, there’s also a little chance that every casuality you have found along your life is just a piece of some big and random puzzle you’ll complete one day. The key is to recognize what is the real piece and what is not, which is actually as hard as hell, but we should try.

Just try and say hello.

Crita in her monthly update.

Picture I took that day with my now-dead analog camera. Give me a new camera (please), btw!